I don't know if I want this anymore......... I've mentally broken up with Jayson a million times already, but I'm scared to actually break up with him.
Sure I may be just saying this because we're not on good terms, but then again, I've had second thoughts about this relationship even before we became official. Why... did I ever let him continue to court me? Why did I say yes to him, when I had doubts in the back of my mind?
I keep hurting him, and I'm probably not going to stop. It's like second-nature to me now to become a bitter bitch towards him. I have no explanation for it. I just can't help it sometimes........
He deserves better.
Regardless what he says, he just shouldn't be with me right now. I wait for the day when he'll finally say he's had enough..... the day when he says he'll finally let me go - because if I'm the one to say those things, he'll just never accept.
Call me weak or a quitter, but it's whatever now. In reality, I don't need him... and I don't need a relationship. I want to be free from restriction, boringness, over-possession, and over-protectiveness. I just want to be the nice, social, lovable fun Carla that everyone used to know, without this man thinking my "personality" will lead me to danger. I just need time to myself. I need to rediscover myself.
So the question is... what now?
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