Frustration.

...and this time, it's not sexual.


I'm frustrated with my life right now. I randomly vented to my mom yesterday about everything I've been feeling. Everything... from frustrations to regrets. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I'm exploding on the inside.

I basically told her my situation with Jayson. I actually told her I regret giving my all to him.

I want to start over. I'm 20, and I'm practically stuck in life. I feel like I have no room to explore anymore because of him. This is supposed to be my prime, where I'm having the most fun in my life, where I'm out and about with friends - and, where I'm even dating around (strictly platonic, though). I honestly miss that phase in life when I wasn't tied down. All I had were friends, family and school. I miss the feeling of men trying to talk to me, but I would still turn them down - not because I was taken, but because it was my personal choice. I haven't even gone through a real dating phase. There literally are so many fish in the sea... But, at the age of 17, I plunged right into a serious relationship. My fucking mistake.
 Like I said, I can't even explore other people and other surroundings without being seen as a possible slut or whore. I don't normally regret things, but it's all catching up to me now.

My mom even told me she doesn't know what's gonna happen to me and Jayson in the future. Honestly, she said our relationship is boring. And my oh my, I felt like she was spot on with that. Things are too planned with him, even when I told him to stop planning so far ahead.

At this point, I'm so ready to move on. Jayson is a good guy, but that's all he sees - the good that he does. He doesn't realize that he has held me by the neck this whole time.... that he took away my youth.

I want to be away from him. I want him to stop being sweet and mushy to me. I want him to stop trying to be where ever I am. It's so tiring. I want him to refrain from talking about anything that deals with relationships and the future. I want him to stop faking to others like we're all good and still together. The fact that he still lingers around everywhere and still constantly tries to see me is too much. The fact that he has a timeline for when we should get back together, get engaged, and get married is even worse. I'M STUCK AND I HATE IT. I HATE IT!

I love the guy, but I can't see myself with him, not now... and not even in the future. I've started to lose all vision of a future with him. Like I said, I hate planning... if it's meant to be then it'll be. If not, life goes on.

I just want to start over. I want to go away for a while. I just want to be able to live like a normal 20 year old. I want to be able to live freely, without someone holding me down and judging me for all my actions.

I've been crying the whole time while writing this. I have never been this mentally and emotionally depressed.