Space...

So, I've finally gathered the courage to tell Jayson that I want and need space.

For a while I've been feeling very indifferent about this relationship. Either I've shown little to no emotion, or when I do show signs of happiness, it quickly expires. What is wrong with me? Sure Jayson and I have our differences and arguments,  but why is it that I try to use them as excuses to break up? Any little dispute could lead to my extreme anger - and I'd always use every argument as my basis for wanting to break up.

He's not a terrible person, and he's definitely the best boyfriend I've had (seeing that he was my only real boyfriend)... but I can't even respect him at times. I'm an idiot for that, and he definitely deserves better. Perhaps that's a a reason why I wanted space, so that he doesn't have to keep experiencing my tantrums. But the main reason I want space, is for the simple fact that I want space. I've told him many times that I've felt suffocated in this relationship. I've changed from the sweet innocent Carla to a cold-hearted, easily-angered bitch. That's not me. But that's me when I'm around him. I wanna go back to the old Carla who used to deeply care for and respect Jayson. He doesn't deserve my shit; the reason he is the way he is, is for our benefit in the future.

But that leads to conflicts. Sure he's just trying to be protective and caring, but that has turned to insecurity, over-protectiveness and over-possessiveness. I literally have no privacy with him. All my moves will be questioned. Every person I communicate with will be frowned upon by him. All my outings must be accompanied by him. Where is my individualism? Who the fuck is Carla? Do people even know me, without having to incorporate Jayson in the equation? That's something I feel only married couples should go through. But we are not in that deep. I can honestly say our ages do play a huge role in our differences. Jayson is up and ready to get married any day now.... while here I am, still wanting to fulfill my teenage years. We can never seem to come eye-to-eye when it comes to that. As I have told him, I have the same goal as him (to eventually end up with him in life), but differing mentalities for how NOW should be.

I still do wonder how life would be if we had gotten together at least a year or two from now. Perhaps by then I would've fulfilled the little things I want to get out of my system; like girls night out, partying a bit more and meeting more new people, and joining a million little activity groups (clubbing happens to be one of these things I want to get out of my system, and that for Jayson is totally unacceptable.) Sigh...

Well, I'm with him now, and I guess this little break "space" will suffice. I'm scared to actually break up with him... because I feel Jayson would use his "depression" as an excuse to slack off and not give a fuck about anything. AND, he seems like the type of person who would do harm, whether to himself or others, if ever I break up with him. But behind all this, I still do really love Jayson, and that's the thing that allows me to stay with him - no matter how many times I want to break up with him. Well.... I still need my space, and thankfully I'm getting it. Let's just see how this goes.